The full 3 months have gone by and your dog has settled in. Peace of trash she is, I see even more with that comment she made how she wanted my children, as well as my h, I cam only imagine the bad things she told my h to get him on her side with that idea, having him think I was a terrible mother as well as wife. I say grow up, be bored and count yourself lucky you have the luxury to be bored. I will NEVER go through this again. Don't get in a relationship where the main traits of a person irritates, you and don't expect those traits to just magically disappear just because you get married, Have a discussion where things do not move on until he starts answering questions, He gets on medication or he starts seeing someone to get his depression under control. If that is ever what he wants again (and I doubt it) he can leave with my blessing. All bans in this subreddit are permanent. No matter what the problem is, communication is critical. He has no ideas, no desire to do simple fun or actively engage with me on anything. Over the years, she had torn down my self esteempiece by piece. I WON! No, no one wins we just keeping moving forward. Make sure you can handle your luggage easily. He watches TV all day long and plays computer games on his phone. I can see how my h would prefer to forget. A Comprehensive Guide to 'Vanderpump Rules' Hookups Over the Years. Alternately, the affair partner wants to place the blame on the cheating spouse. Im doing everything I can to bring the romance and passion back to our marriage while she acts miserable every day. My ex may have made out well with money , but I have my sons. Your email address will not be published. My husband actually says he has a NEW and DEEPER appreciation of not only me and our marriage, but our family as well. John, its one of the hardest things to go through, I highly doubt I could go through it again. I feel trapped and I dont want to live life separately from him, but I really have no choice but to move on and do things on my own. Lol. But if you strongly believe: My husband doesn t like spending time with my family and me, it might not be personal. Big surprise. Absolutely 100%. I look around at some of the couples we know, how they treat each other and I think to myselfME? If you want to create and sustain a lifetime of monogamy, then you must also know how to renew passion, inspire desire and sustain a lifetime of commitment.. Too painful and once I would start I wouldnt know where to stop! The stupid tart would call him every time he saw her and say are you ok, dont let your wife get to you, this is how you talk to her. f. I can and will choose PEACE for my life. Well, my court date for Friday was cancelled because the ex couldnt make it. He lied to her, manipulated her, made her promises he didnt keep. What are your thoughts on Johnsons idea that the two main factors that keep us monogamous are passion and principles? Someday shell wake up. Where is the feeling that what I have devoted the last THIRTY years of my life to, has mattered? They were bored. Press question mark to learn the rest of the keyboard shortcuts, am I the asshole? After my husband and I boarded the plane, I began my ritual of praying . True. I stayed home with the kids, took care of all the household stuff, cooking cleaning etc. Friends disappear and you can't go anywhere. I am tired of the many years of being his personal assistant, director, PR person, party planner, date night organizer, relational health coach, spiritual leader and the bad guy parent. She is also a very nasty person and looking like Miss America couldnt compensate for her internal self. You absolutely tell it like it is. The term refers to being "dependent" on another person and putting their needs before your own by engaging in people-pleasing behavior and caregiving. You don't get a free pass. Veiled or overt threats, against you or them. First, talk to him about how youre feeling and see if theres anything he can do to change the situation. The glue as our therapist says. As a result, I feel unimportant, invisible, and alone. But threats of leaving, cutting off "privileges," or even threats . Then I feel hurt when he doesnt. Was my husband responsible for his alcoholism and abuse? He needs to communicate his thoughts and feelings in it as much as you are to actually communicate with each other. Plan weekend getaways or vacations well in advance so he has something to look forward to and can plan accordingly at work. I feel none of it was appreciated and he has a sense of entitlement. Two years ago he was an ER physician, today he spent 10 minutes trying to figure out how to open the refrigerator. You might not see it, but your relatives can sometimes be quite overwhelming, especially if theyre always around. What to do if my husband doesn t like spending time with my family? Now, us men stood there and talked about the normal stuffsports, work, kids and yes, one of the other guys did do just a little wife-bashing. Have a sneaking suspicion that your husband is unsatisfied with your marriage? Of course my sister feels that he is getting exactly what he deserved, put himself in that position, etc. I usually dont think of him at all. Without getting into too much of the details and background, it is apparent to us that they have fallen into a serious marital trap. It ticks me off because I loved and supported him and he knew it. Maybe he just shows his affection in other ways? Ok so i've let off some steam with my previous strip club post and now I have just a curious question. With empty nesthood approaching fast they were concerned that the rest of their lives were going to be lifeless and dull. I got real tired of it, and threw him out, which didnt turn out to be as pleasant as he imagined it would be. I've been with my boyfriend for almost a year and we have a 8 week old daughter together. Like threatening to kill my cats, destroying my property, etc. 22/07/2018 09:47. Possibility # 2: Your husband won't talk because he doesn't like conflict (the avoiding pain motive) Your husband may be upset at you for something, but not want to say anything about it for fear that it will cause conflict. All lies he makes up to mess with her head. I have lost a lot of weight and am going to the gym but my husband cuts that down. Also when a person complains about being bored they are often bored with themselves not their marriages or spouses. All through his fog. As the girls got older, I was looking forward to the two of us having time together again. Two key things: our passion and our principles.. Was he responsible for me cheating on him? Respecting his wishes will go a long way in making him feel more inclined to spend time with you. When hes wrinkly, shriveled, and losing his faculties he will know in his heart and probably mind too that he caused destruction. Hopefully, those of you who are further along and are in the marriage rebuilding and strengthening phase can find this helpful. 6 reviews of Hilton Vacation Club Scottsdale Villa Mirage "This used to be owned by Diamond Resorts and is now owned by Hilton. That was still intact. The judge stated that nobody wins in a divorce. It may seem that way, Rachel, but from what youve said he really isnt in control. But when I am anywhere in public, if there are 10 people, at least 6 or 8 of them will be as fat or fatter. If you focus on his negative qualities, itll only push him away. You have to commit, for better or worse. I have to basically threaten with taking away screen time almost every time it is time to do something. I dont live with her, I am not trying to make a life and raise a family with her. Pisses me off too. This is a big red flag, and my advice is to call the National Domestic Violence Hotline and discuss this with someone there because. Im glad its over for you. Im also in the best shape of my life because of it (not because of her, but my self-determination to improve myself and keep on challenging myself). Last night my husband and sister got into a somewhat heated discussion when she brought up a friend from our hometown that got caught cheating. I know the signs now, I know his tells when something is up. (Including but not limited to: slut, bitch, whore, for the streets, etc. I wonder at times how my h felt when he looked at himself in the mirror while his eyes mind was battling with his heart and soul. I kind of envy the people who say.we were on the verge of divorce before the affair and I can kind of see why it happened. Rachel, hes not winning or in control. My dumb self will tag along because "it's at least something". If you . Doug, Linda, anyone elseone topic I would love to see discussed: how do you handle ti when the topic of affairs comes up in discussion with friends, etc. This is separate from and at times in spite of, others around me. He feels like he can't win. Most of our friends were developed through the people we have met in those activities (those mentioned in this post excluded). They were also agitated, aggravated and fed up. It's good for your health and can be a nice ritual for discussing your plans for the day. All of these will be removed and locked. She made sure to find me enough work to make sure I never uttered or even thought those words again! Agreed. "Be willing to hear his feedback and experiences in the marriage," says Henry. You might think, "I'm a good husband and father, I don't cheat, I'm not mean or abusive, and I'm a good provider financially. Also, the 21st birthday of my oldest son. She will never understand the pain she caused me and our children. BUT I am so happy that this is FINALLY coming to closure for you. But some expectations. My only texting buddy ghosted me so I came here. My 10 year old son's personality is that he does not want to leave the house to do go stuff. That's as good a moment as any to assess your connections and consider if your friends are just busy, or if they're brushing you off for another reason. Exercise, play sports, go to the gym and consider beginning each day with a walk together. Fcol, its very tiresome, I guess we just have to focus on our h losing their way and were not strong enough to see their way clearly. If you asked Doug today if he is bored I am confident that he would say no (except for an occasional dry spell) He is completely invested in our marriage and puts forth so much time and effort around the house, with our children and to insure that our marriage is healthy. everything else is just circumstantial, and an excuse. Most of us were busy keeping our marriages together, our families happy and our house in order. I handled it FAR better than he did, and I think I should be the one ranting and raving over how bad it made me feel. I value your opinion so I really appreciate your comments. This isnt personal its a symptom of their mental illness. Thankfully, my h told her, there is no way I will take the children away from their mother. I think I need to do the same, start giving myself the self respect and stop basing it on my h assessments of me. First, that you need to be true to yourself and work towards the things that bring you the most joy in . Your email address will not be published. Pre-affair I was as guilty as anyone. she had destroyed my confidence in our marriage.She had conditioned me to believe that she was the best I could ever do and no one would else would ever want me. Oh wait, here I am doing JUST THAT, LOL LOL. You can be bored, stressed, depressed, or a whole host of other emotions on ANY given day. I want him to do SOMETHING, but hes happy with being on his laptop or watching the depressing news all day long. He had ti see her because it made her feel better, then when that wasnt working anymore, lets bring mummy dearest over from overseas to help her with her attempts at getting my h away from me. my husband doesn t want to spend time with me, theres a chance he might not be intentionally ignoring you. He has not worked in almost a year because it has gotten worse. When we first got together I was 16 and I definitely had a higher sex drive back then, as most 16 year olds probably do. Whether she values what she has or not I know her friends and coworkers are jealous when they stair at me like a piece of meat-haha. Weve been in your shoes and are in a unique position to put all of our experiences both good and bad, successes and failures and use them to help lead you out of the pain and into a better place. Besides, Im a fun person and I do like to do sh*t! It is just easier to blame someone else rather than looking within. I even wrote a comment to that effect not long ago. At the same time, dont neglect your own needs. Everyone makes mistakes, and your husband is no exception. See he would watch me falling and he would hold his hand out to her to help her up. Doug, I know you were joking but knowing Linda and what you guys have learned through hard experience, I am willing to bet she did very, very little husband bashing. Plus, he flatly turned down my request that he get counseling or even that WE get counseling. Growing up the worst thing I could say to my mother is that I was bored. Exercise Grace, I totally agree. So you are either In or Out on this one. I know now that the only sure thing in this world I can depend on is myself. I can definitely relate to feeling like my husband never wants to do anything with me. The 10 signs that your husband is not happy in your marriage 1. b. I let the selfish decisions of two very self absorbed people turn me into someone I am NOT. They work, because one of my girlfriend's husband was having trouble getting hard and he ordered one.. She is so proud of . Things have evened out quite a bit and we have some nice little teamwork going on. Now he only changes underwear and showers once a week. I had a saying Lose the battle, win the war. Meaning the final outcome is in your favor cause you are done with them ! Those were the words that one of our friends told Linda recently. Oh, and your partner should never ask you to "stop crying" or say things like "you can't get mad." Your feelings are your feelings. Welcome to r/relationship_advice. Find ways to bond over shared experiences: taking a walk, cooking dinner, going to a concert or sporting event, or playing a board game or cards together. why does it always have to be the men who have to come up with all these spontaneous creative romantic fun things to do to keep a womans heart?! You have your sons hearts, love, support, and respect. And here are 9 ways you can escape awkward conversations . If he's super passive aggressive or he doesn't like confrontation, this could be his way of telling you that he doesn't want a serious relationship with you. Feminize me, fuck me, and make me yours. Now shes pregnant (its mine) and I dont really have a choice. I gained weight after the birth of my child, I admit. Just a little! This is not what God intended for marriageat all. Say what you will, but there's often quite a bit of truth to jokes. I get upset just thinking about it. Oh, I know, EG. Stay strong. Spending quality time together is a desirable trait in every marriage and shouldnt be compromised. If you find that he either makes decisions without your input, or he takes a course of action without your buy in, this is a massive sign of disrespect. Of course that was a trigger for me, and I told him that it was nice that he was focusing on how the whole thing made HIM feel, and totally ignored how gut wrenching it was for ME as she sat there describing a college boyfriend who cheated on her, and went on at length about how I have no idea the pain, the agony, the etc etcof being cheated on. So now I feel like if were not doing something exciting all the time Im gonna lose her again. We both are. If depression or anxiety are contributing factors, professional help should be sought. When you and your spouse are talking, put down your cell phone, set aside distractions, and focus on each other. This is bonding time. NO MATTER WHAT THE CIRCUMSTANCES. My husband doesn t want to spend time with me; it hurts. While your situation isnt unique, it is nevertheless not typical. I can see where boredom could be a contributing factor to cheating, especially at work, lol. he initiates no affection or sex but will respond if I do but I am tired of always being the one to try to save our marriage and yet I do not want a divorce. I try to engage him and put energy into our relationship and it helps for a few days then he is back to doing nothing. Its called denial and justification and it is a POWERFUL thing. If youve gained a lot of weight, let your hair go gray, or stopped caring about your appearance, its possible your husband no longer finds you attractive. Its control, but only when he sees me doing things that dont involve him. Prayers for peace for you. document.getElementById( "ak_js_1" ).setAttribute( "value", ( new Date() ).getTime() ); This site uses Akismet to reduce spam. Since monogamy is an ongoing choice, its something that has to be inspired over the long term. I brought it up in marriage counseling and the counselor said if he was bored it was because he was boring. This short guide tells you what you need to know to survive the affair, heal yourself and emerge on the other side a stronger person. He goes to bed whenever he wants and gets up whenever he wants. even if it was my high school boyfriend that I felt was my true love at the time? This means monogamy cannot be forced. What should I do if my husband never wants to do anything with me? I hate how uncomfortable and insecure this makes me feel in our marriage. My spouse is: old, fat, boring, lazy, doesnt like sex, doesnt love me, harsh, critical, unappreciative, ugly, jealous, nagging, a shrew, etc. Plus, itll give you some time to pursue your own interests instead of thinking for hours: My husband never wants to do anything with me.. The affair partner wants to place the blame on the betrayed spouse. I know exactly how you feel. Not even for the kids. I heard the boredom comment as well. The money he gets will be spent and gone. I had almost no confidence left by the time I discovered her cheating. 3. Two key things: our passion and our principles. I know now we got pregnant way too early after the affair becuse Im obviously still struggling in the aftermath. Its essential to show interest in the things your spouse enjoys, even if you dont share the same enthusiasm. Do you ever feel that your husband is getting further and further away from you? We never get invited out anywhere together as a couple. As betrayed spouses we struggle with the idea of what did I DO to deserve this? Well, the truth is we did NOTHING. "Try not to accuse or assume." 3. Im running out of ideas and shes boring the sh## outta me and shes the one who cheated. For example, would he prefer to spend time alone with you? I so understand and feel the same way. I dont know what to do any,more. You know it has nothing to do with looks. Stacy Taniguchi grew up as a Buddhist in Hawaii and joined the Church so that he could marry his girlfriend who was a Latter-day Saint. I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Press J to jump to the feed. Rachel, I am so sad that this is the path you have been forced to walk. I was thinking, I wonder how my h would like to see me in those clothes, all vintage like. Rewind 10 years ago and I was a single 25-year-old freshly off finishing grad school at NYU who was moving to start a new chapter and a new job in Austin. ULK I hate it all for everyone but I am trying to be the constant for him. 2 Answers - ( Newest, 16 November 2009) A female age 30-35, anonymous writes: i am 19years old and my husband is 20 and this feb 14th 2010 we will be married for 2 years. Strong words eg thanks. I realized that I was not bored because I was always giving to our marriage and familyshe was the taker which meant she was always waiting for something to be given to her or to happen for her. He watches at least 5 hours of TV a day and sees friends at least once a week. Our friends and their issue were on-again, off-again topics of discussion between Linda and I for a few days after our night out. I encourage you to ask me for clarification, if you are not clear with my Answer. Some people journal, but you dont get any input so that turns into a bitch fest/pity party if you arent careful, llol. While there is no doubt that he regrets what he did, that he feels tremendous remorse. When your partner has your back, they'll be able to say those three important words sincerely and out loud in front of other people. After the girls were born, our social life was done as a family (due to lack of babysitters). Ad by Techy Twist Ever heard of the Mandela effect? My first husband seemedin control, too. Don't think your heavy sighs and the comments made under your breath are going unnoticed. he says he knows I am fighting for us but he also knows me and I am just getting ready for when we divorce. I guess if Ive found any silver lining in my situation it has been establishing a value of self worth that cannot be skewed by anyone and as was said before no more blind faith. We are all now to the point where our kids have either graduated from college, in college or will be entering college next fall. For ME, the absolute foundation of monogamy is my commitment to that very principle. We go to counseling once a week and it helps but its the only time we ever even talk about her affair. My husband did, I did, my affair partner did, my husbands affair partner did, every body who ever cheated did, lol. Guess thats why she cant keep a man or have a real relationship. Ignore builds a wall between you and your spouse. I only vent here. My husband I really never really used to go anywhere much due to work so we never really thought a time share would benefit us. Thank you exercise grace and for cryinoutloud, I appreciate your kind words. I do everything outside the home with friends, nothing with him. Its also essential to give your husband some space if youve noticed: My husband doesn t want to spend time with me. Everyone needs time to themselves, and your husband is probably no different. Problems arise when you leave the house early, barely speaking to or connecting with your wife before you dash out the door. Thank you for giving me the opportunity to assist you. Joke advice or advice that is conspiratorial or just plain terrible will be removed, and users my be subject to a ban. Sometimes guys just don't know how to say things. Please make sure you read our rules here. If I had listened to my gut and gone with my instinct, I could have stopped this all much much sooner. For nearly twenty five years before the affair he had a very traditional marriage, by both of our choices. I love to be out and do fun things from traveling to movies to concerts etc. But before you jump to conclusions, there are a few other possible explanations for why your husband doesnt want to spend time with you. He should be talking with the baby if not reading to baby at least once a week is not asking much. Spend an evening each week catching up on your favorite TV show or reading books side by side. All he ever wants to do is sit on the couch and watch TV. Required fields are marked *, My Husband Never Wants To Do Anything With Me: 10 Reasons Why and What to Do About It, on My Husband Never Wants To Do Anything With Me: 10 Reasons Why and What to Do About It, Why Husband Blames Me For Everything: The Truth Behind Relationship Arguments, 11 Signs of Selfish Husband and How to Deal With Him. You are correct that i t does not excuse your cheating, but it does point out where your personal vulnerability was. Ayyy ahora si ya les cuento todito lo que pas De verdad que miedo I commented on his IG. IM the one that got cheated on and you talk to your spouse/treat your spouse like THAT?? If your husband is spending more time with friends, at work, or on his hobbies, it might be because hes found someone new to spend his time with. Of course, this isnt to say that you should never come first. What we cannot give advice on: rants, unsolicited advice, medical conditions/advice, mental illness, letters to an ex, "body counts" or number of sexual partners, legal problems, financial problems, situations involving minors, and/or abuse (violence, sexual, emotional etc). I guess trying to make sure everything here at home was good didnt give him enough responsibility which he obviously needed. I loved snowboarding, my friends, my dogs, and of course, travel. Now I am thinking of calling it quitsnever thought I would feel this way..worked so hard to keep my marriage together.but Ive been at this now for 4 years and still not sure if one day he is going to come home and say he is leaving. "My husband never wants to go anywhere, all he ever thinks about is gumbo, gogo, and dodo." gree gree , any object of contrivance used to conjure harm or evil to the recipient. We've been married for almost 30 years and have 2 children, aged 16 and 18. I cant go on like this forever. 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